A Day In the Life

Fear

What is it about fear that defines who or what we become.

Is it the idea of loosing control, and our desire to hold onto it for as long as possible, or is it the inane desire to progress into a controlled atmosphere?

I truly cannot explain it for myself. For the past two years, I have been at one job or another, and see to find a position that is in the process of being phased out or transitioned completely, which leaves me looking for new prospects. The obviously invoked a since of dread and in some cases, loathing towards my employers. It has put me in a state of welfare, and the need to ask others for help. Which, if you knew me, would know that that very act seems to strip any dignity that I may have preserved. I find myself in a place that is relatively unknown to me, and that scares me to death.
The idea of having to survive, and not knowing how to do that is just tearing me apart. I see what others have, what they are doing, what I can't provide to the ones that I care about, and it has put me in a place of disgust. Disgust at what I've become, disgust from what I was, and disgust at the prospect of not changing in the near future.

What is wrong with me?

To answer this question, let's parse out the mental to the physical issues. Physical issues range from multiple surgeries that were an attempt to fix my knee's and stomach, to disorders such as Cushings, GIRD, Crones, Centralized Gout, Compression of my lower back that sends spasms and numbness to my lower extremities, calcium deficiency that is starting to claim my teeth.
With all of that, I'm often asked how I can keep my spirits up. Well, with a 70 times more likely to get stomach and esophageal cancer, multiple joint replacements, etcetera, if I was to continue to think about all of this, it would drive me insane with worry and anger towards the world. Now, with three children and a wonderful wife, it wouldn't be fair to them to put each one through a world of grief and anger that would most likely ruin their lives. My legacy in this world is my family, and if I need to endure a lot of pain to do so, so be it.

What are my goals in life?

If anybody tells you that life is simple, they certainly have not attempted to live it to the fullest. Like every challenge, life will continue
to find ways to keep you on your toes. It is how you deal with each curveball that defines who you are going to be. I am not here to tell you that I am a perfect example, just the contrary. I suck at trying to live life, I can safely say that I'm not even close to tackling my challenges. That is the fun of it. That is what keeps me on my toes, makes the desire to continue flow through my veins. I am here today, following my aspirations from the lessons that I learned for myself, from my parents, from historical figures like President Lincoln, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Rosa Parks, President Kennedy, and Martin Luther King. Were these people perfect, NO they weren't, and they accepted this and continued to better themselves, and by direct result, improved the lives of everybody else they touched. With everything I have learned, it's not the amount of pain that defines, you, it's your will to live and survive that defines the character that in the end, defines who you are.

Are you Game?

Home and Bothered

Between contracts and running out of money is a little stressful. Where do we go and what do we do when we find ourselves into this very type of situation? If you have an answer, please let me know. My bishop counseled me in trying to have a weekly date with my wife, and to try to have fun. You know, release some stress that may bottled up. That is a terrific thought if there's some money, you know, 5 bucks or so. If you don't you find a problem of gas money, emergency money in the event something happens. I find myself sitting at home trying to find myself in this ever growing situation.

The economy appears to be in a tight spiral downward over this credit crunch. In case this is read in the future, we are in a potential problem arising for free flowing credit and the lessening of reqard for credit risk. If you are in credit, you will know terms like debt to income ratio, asset allocation, etc, and for some reason, with the ever growing housing market, the desire to find their place into this burgoening industry, banks and other financial institutions have relaxed their credit requirements to lend to those with not so savory credit. Thus a higher credit risk, and when they lent on Arms, floating interest rates, etc, customers have found themselves in a world of hurt when the Fed's rose the interest rates to curb inflationary factors. By doing this very thing, people started loosing the very asset they pursued, their homes. With foreclosures on the rise, these financial institutions were finding themselves in a credit crunch themselves and unable to extend their own lines of credit with the very risk they had helped to create. When that happened, companies were closing their doors because they were unable to fund these deals. In an attempt to correct or curb their potential loss, they also made it extremely difficult on securing financing on new applications, even those that had a very stable credit history were being declined.

There have been posts of companies pulling out of their deals right before the customer signed their closing papers. As I type this, the Fed's are currently lowering the short term discount rates, the rate at which financial institutions can borrow funds, and since it's now lower, it has allowed consumer confidence to rise. With this rise, they may also lower other interest points to help curb other negative inflationary rates. Most likely, this will reinforce the negative lending habits that were so relative in the late 90's and early part of this century. I believe in history, in that we have the opportunity to learn from our mistakes. That includes short term as well, and I hope this correction has scared others into being responsible with their lending practices.

I can go on with other examples of incompeting and irresponsible lending practices, but I would like to hear from anybody else about what they are tired about.

Experience in Life

Finding the soul of a person through their words becomes an art in itself. I have been revisiting every conversation that I have had over the past 5 years to see exactly where my life has made its specific turns. How did I end up here? Why am I languishing over past jobs like they were appendages? I see my life as if I was the ship stuck with in the glass bottle with no where to turn, and no hopes of escaping in one piece. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my family, since they are the ones that I wake up every morning with a drive to help them succeed. I just cannot seem to get the same motivation for myself, which in turn, makes me miserable in all that I do.

Am I depressed? No, I really do not think that I am. Now, the medication would be an interesting play on this scenario, but for now, I will leave it out. I must take the fifth amendment on this question, only because I am finding myself facing a part of my psychie that I do not like. Rather, part of myself that does not seem as flattering. I rate myself as a wannabe hack, one that has aspirations to do more, however, fail to complete anything that he starts. Again, my recollection of events. You ask those around me, I do a good job at anything that I set my mind on, and I exceed expectations. Again, the bilateral view of my life only bears down further on how screwed up I really am. In high school, I used to councel students that callin into my own suicide prevention line. I had a large number of students from all over calling me to just talk through their problems. I actually had a purpose in life, you know, something that actually helped people. I can pretty much add up how I feel about myself from a series of events that happened a long time ago. I was a sophmore in high school and my friends were partying pretty good. Ok, they were out of their minds wasted, but I wasn't. I had stepped out for a moment when I heard the loud pops, you know, the sound that m80 fireworks sound like. Loud and hollow metallic sound emenating from the room that I had just left. Apparently, the person's house that we were at had a loaded gun under their couch. This is what they were able to pick up, I had walked in after they were playing a game called quarters, which is a game that the person that doesn't make the quarter into the others glass, they had to drink or chug the entire contents. Well, that mixed with some habituates, caused them to escalate their behaviors. Mind you, I had been gone for about 10 minutes before the accident happened, but they pulled a gun out and decided to play Russian Roulette. My good friend pointed the gun and pretended to shoot the gun to show the others that nothing would happen. Well, the next event would change the lives of so many people. The next person proceeded to put the gun to their head and pulled the trigger, and with the gun being fully loaded, managed to dislodge his face onto the other two. They panicked and while grabbing the gun, it apparently went off shooting my friend into the throat, ending is life immediately. The third, being in an escalated paranoid delusion cause by the trauma around him took his own life. I had heard each shot, the entire event took less than thirty seconds, but in that time, an eternity had passed.

The parents didn't want to hold services for any of them, the school swept it under the carpet, and the media used it as an example of students gone awry. I took over 200 calls in the following weeks, and each person that called me didn't know that I was the only witness to what they were doing before this awful event.

I do not have any point to this, however, I will be following up with some more content to possibly do each person justice, and provide some insight to their lives and how they touched so many people.

If you have any stories that you want to share, please do so. Sharing will lift the vail of anger and pain, since sharing with others that care, you can start to heal. It's been over 15 years since my tragedy, and I am finally taking my own advice.