A Day In the Life

Fear

What is it about fear that defines who or what we become.

Is it the idea of loosing control, and our desire to hold onto it for as long as possible, or is it the inane desire to progress into a controlled atmosphere?

I truly cannot explain it for myself. For the past two years, I have been at one job or another, and see to find a position that is in the process of being phased out or transitioned completely, which leaves me looking for new prospects. The obviously invoked a since of dread and in some cases, loathing towards my employers. It has put me in a state of welfare, and the need to ask others for help. Which, if you knew me, would know that that very act seems to strip any dignity that I may have preserved. I find myself in a place that is relatively unknown to me, and that scares me to death.
The idea of having to survive, and not knowing how to do that is just tearing me apart. I see what others have, what they are doing, what I can't provide to the ones that I care about, and it has put me in a place of disgust. Disgust at what I've become, disgust from what I was, and disgust at the prospect of not changing in the near future.

What is wrong with me?

To answer this question, let's parse out the mental to the physical issues. Physical issues range from multiple surgeries that were an attempt to fix my knee's and stomach, to disorders such as Cushings, GIRD, Crones, Centralized Gout, Compression of my lower back that sends spasms and numbness to my lower extremities, calcium deficiency that is starting to claim my teeth.
With all of that, I'm often asked how I can keep my spirits up. Well, with a 70 times more likely to get stomach and esophageal cancer, multiple joint replacements, etcetera, if I was to continue to think about all of this, it would drive me insane with worry and anger towards the world. Now, with three children and a wonderful wife, it wouldn't be fair to them to put each one through a world of grief and anger that would most likely ruin their lives. My legacy in this world is my family, and if I need to endure a lot of pain to do so, so be it.

What are my goals in life?

If anybody tells you that life is simple, they certainly have not attempted to live it to the fullest. Like every challenge, life will continue
to find ways to keep you on your toes. It is how you deal with each curveball that defines who you are going to be. I am not here to tell you that I am a perfect example, just the contrary. I suck at trying to live life, I can safely say that I'm not even close to tackling my challenges. That is the fun of it. That is what keeps me on my toes, makes the desire to continue flow through my veins. I am here today, following my aspirations from the lessons that I learned for myself, from my parents, from historical figures like President Lincoln, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Rosa Parks, President Kennedy, and Martin Luther King. Were these people perfect, NO they weren't, and they accepted this and continued to better themselves, and by direct result, improved the lives of everybody else they touched. With everything I have learned, it's not the amount of pain that defines, you, it's your will to live and survive that defines the character that in the end, defines who you are.

Are you Game?