Finding the soul of a person through their words becomes an art in itself. I have been revisiting every conversation that I have had over the past 5 years to see exactly where my life has made its specific turns. How did I end up here? Why am I languishing over past jobs like they were appendages? I see my life as if I was the ship stuck with in the glass bottle with no where to turn, and no hopes of escaping in one piece. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my family, since they are the ones that I wake up every morning with a drive to help them succeed. I just cannot seem to get the same motivation for myself, which in turn, makes me miserable in all that I do.
Am I depressed? No, I really do not think that I am. Now, the medication would be an interesting play on this scenario, but for now, I will leave it out. I must take the fifth amendment on this question, only because I am finding myself facing a part of my psychie that I do not like. Rather, part of myself that does not seem as flattering. I rate myself as a wannabe hack, one that has aspirations to do more, however, fail to complete anything that he starts. Again, my recollection of events. You ask those around me, I do a good job at anything that I set my mind on, and I exceed expectations. Again, the bilateral view of my life only bears down further on how screwed up I really am. In high school, I used to councel students that callin into my own suicide prevention line. I had a large number of students from all over calling me to just talk through their problems. I actually had a purpose in life, you know, something that actually helped people. I can pretty much add up how I feel about myself from a series of events that happened a long time ago. I was a sophmore in high school and my friends were partying pretty good. Ok, they were out of their minds wasted, but I wasn't. I had stepped out for a moment when I heard the loud pops, you know, the sound that m80 fireworks sound like. Loud and hollow metallic sound emenating from the room that I had just left. Apparently, the person's house that we were at had a loaded gun under their couch. This is what they were able to pick up, I had walked in after they were playing a game called quarters, which is a game that the person that doesn't make the quarter into the others glass, they had to drink or chug the entire contents. Well, that mixed with some barbituates, caused them to escalate their behaviors. Mind you, I had been gone for about 10 minutes before the accident happened, but they pulled a gun out and decided to play Russian Roulette. My good friend pointed the gun and pretended to shoot the gun to show the others that nothing would happen. Well, the next event would change the lives of so many people. The next person proceeded to put the gun to their head and pulled the trigger, and with the gun being fully loaded, managed to dislodge his face onto the other two. They panic'd and while grabbing the gun, it apparently went off shooting my friend into the throat, ending is life immeditately. The third, being in an escalated paranoid delusion cause by the trauma around him took his own life. I had heard each shot, the entire event took less than thirty seconds, but in that time, an eternity had passed.
The parents didn't want to hold services for any of them, the school swept it under the carpent, and the media used it as an example of students gone awry. I took over 200 calls in the following weeks, and each person that called me didn't know that I was the only witness to what they were doing before this awful event.
I do not have any point to this, however, I will be following up with some more content to possibly do each person justice, and provide some insight to their lives and how they touched so many people.
If you have any stories that you want to share, please do so. Sharing will lift the vail of anger and pain, since sharing with others that care, you can start to heal. It's been over 15 years since my tragedy, and I am finally taking my own advice.
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